(STATIC, RADIO CHANNELS SKIPPING)
NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN: This country is at war with Germany.
NEWSCASTER 1: President Kennedy and Governor John Connally
were shot today...
NELSON MANDELA: A South Africa without apartheid
will be a better home for all.
- RONALD REAGAN: Tear down this wall. - (CROWD CHEERING)
MARGARET THATCHER: The lady's not for turning.
ALAN PARTRIDGE: Today's big question.
Should Girl Guides and Scouts be court-martialed?
I'm Alan Partridge, and this is Mid Morning Matters.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
- Morning, Alan. - Oh.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, gosh. You all right? - It's okay. Give me a push.
- Yes? You... - It's fine, it's fine.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Do you want me to help you? - No. It's fine, fine.
- James, could... Do you want to... - It's fine, it's fine.
- It's fine! - You're okay, you're okay.
- Good. - It's the chair...
Uh, nerves?
Yeah. No, I'm not, not, not, not, not...
Nervous. Nervous.
- Are these all yours? - Yeah. Mugs. They're coffee mugs.
I came in early, so...
At 4:00, 'cause I wanted to be...
- Oh, really? - Absolutely on the...
- Well done. - On the balls.
- (LAUGHS) - Um...
- "On the balls." - Are you nervous?
- Oh, God, no. I've been doing it... - Right.
- I've been doing it too long. - Yeah, yeah. Mmm.
Oh, you have, haven't you?
I mean, but then where would you go? I mean, there's...
I hear the BBC won't let you past the door if you're over 30.
No, that's true. (LAUGHS)
Unless you've got a mop and a bucket.
You know, and you're from somewhere...
You're not British.
(LIPS SQUELCHING) Um...
I suppose there's always Songs of Praise, isn't there?
- Songs of Praise for you guys. - Oh, no.
Well, no, 'cause that's now presented by young gay men,
- isn't it? So... - (SIGHS) Well, there you go. I mean...
- Ironic, really. - Mmm.
There was a day when they would've been chased out of church
- with a big stick... - Right. Here we go.
And then burnt.
- (GRUNTING) - So, a bit of banter,
- um, just keep it light. - Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah!
- Okay. Off we go. - Okay.
- Great. - WOMAN: North Norfolk Today
with Eddie Shepherd and Terri Cohen.
This is North Norfolk Today.
In case you're wondering if Eddie Sheppard, Shepherd
has had his adenoids removed or has finally cut down on the fags,
neither is true.
Um, uh, you're listening to Alan Partridge.
Um, Eddie's adenoids continue to block the vast majority of his nasal passages
and he continues to smoke like a gangster in a 1940s film,
who even the other gangsters think, um, you know, smokes to excess
and tell him so.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Alan's in for Eddie all week.
It's... It's great to have you with us, Alan.
Pleasure to be here.
- Very welcome. - Thank you.
And thank you!
Um...
So, uh, very happy to be on the show. I listen to it every morning.
- Oh, do you? - In Caffe Nero, yes. By default.
I mean, they pipe it in, so, uh...
- Right. - You provide the soundtrack
while I chomp on my egg panini.
- Mmm. - With extra egg.
- (CHUCKLES) - An, an, an extra egg.
- Sounds delicious. - It is.
- It's 7:01... - Very nearly.
And it's time for a review of today's papers with Alan.
Right you are. So, I have got some big tits for you.
Tit-tits. Tit, tit-bit, bits.
Tits, bits, tit... Titbits!
- (LAUGHS) A Freudian slip there. - Titbits!
- Oh, dear. Sorry about that. - Um, I... I...
I don't know what all the fuss is about, really.
I mean, they're just pointed sacs of fat on the upper torso of a woman,
for goodness' sakes.
What's the big deal, people?
I mean, uh, you know, we've all got our favourite...
All got out favourite, um, gland.
- Mmm. - Mine happens to be the, uh...
Mammary. The Independent leads with
"Government in Secret Spending Cuts."
That's... No, that's... That's...
That's yesterday's, uh, paper you've got there, Alan.
Um...
Right. I've read all yesterday's papers.
(SOFTLY) What am I going to do?
And now, traffic and travel.
We don't... Haven't got that in yet. We haven't got traffic and travel.
That's fine.
- (TRAVEL MUSIC PLAYING) - The roads today are fairly normal.
I'm being told that, uh, there are
potentially going to be some hold-ups.
Nothing major.
Nothing that I can be specific about at this stage.
But generally be vigilant, drive in a normal way
and stay tuned
for more traffic updates. I hope that is helpful.
- It... - The police also say to be careful
if the roads are icy.
But they're not suggesting they are at the moment, though they may be.
Just keep your eye... Keep your eye... Just, just, just...
Just drive sensibly, for Christ's sakes.
Um, 7:03.
ALAN: Well, it is now. Yeah.
So, how is Eddie? I was so sorry to hear about him.
Mmm, he's struggling, I'm afraid.
Uh, bad news. Shadow on the lung.
- (GASPS) - We've met before.
- Have we? - Yes. June, uh, earlier this year.
The Nissan Local Hero Awards.
- Oh, yeah? - We were having a bit of a chinwag
about Abu Hamza. You know, the boss-eyed Muslim cleric...
- Yeah. - With a hook for a hand?
Uh, we were talking about what other implements he may attach
or disattach to his wrist, depending on his moods.
- (LAUGHS) - Lf he'd take his hook off.
What about an egg whisk?
- Precisely. That was the... - A hair dryer.
Oh, that's a good one.
Or an ice scraper for the windscreen on a frosty morning.
Genuinely useful.
Well, no, he'd make a great, uh, he'd make a great pantomime baddie,
I always think. You know,
"Where's Abu Hamza, the boss-eyed Muslim cleric with a hook for a hand
"who incites racial hatred?"
- "He's behind you." - (TERRI CHUCKLES)
I'd go and see it.
As long as it had someone like Phil Mitchell in it as well.
- Mmm. - He'd sort him out.
- Mmm. - Head butt him.
- (EXHALES) Right. - Right.
WOMAN: North Norfolk Today with Eddie Shepherd and Terri Cohen.
And Alan Partridge, just to reiterate.
Eddie Shepherd, uh, isn't with us at the moment.
Can we say what's wrong with him?
- He's doing all right. - He's doing all right.
Touch wood it's just a... a smudge on the X-ray.
And, uh, we're joined by Conservative Councillor Bronwyn Matthews.
- Hello. - We were just having a chinwag
about Abu Hamza, the boss-eyed Muslim cleric with a hook for a hand,
suggesting what implements he may put on his wrist,
uh, in place of his hook.
- Bronwyn suggested a hair dryer... - Um...
So, Councillor, um... You're a Conservative.
What's your view on the coalition?
Well, as you know, of course,
um, we have an outright majority here on the County Council.
- Mmm-hmm. - But as far as Westminster coalition
is concerned, I mean, we're of course very supportive of them.
- Um... - Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...
Sorry. I have nothing to say.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah. No, I mean, I always think that coalitions can work extremely well
as long as there's firm leadership.
- Right. - Like Bonnie and Clyde?
They were a coalition.
Well, there's good ones and bad ones. (LAUGHS)
- Yes, indeed. - Rose West
and her late husband Frederick?
Well, fortunately, here at Norfolk County Council,
we have a majority and so can work alone.
- Mmm. - Harold Shipman.
It's just coming up to 9:11. Ooh.
Don't tell Abu Hamza. He'll be cracking open the champagne.
Oh, no. They don't drink, do they?
Sorry, I've been up since 4:00 reading yesterday's papers.
(EXHALES, SNIFFS)
(SIGHS)
MAN: Alan, we're back on!
With respect, Councillor, I think our listeners will be more concerned
about cuts to public services.
Absolutely, Terri.
And that's why we've set out proposals to ensure...
Terri, let me take it from here. Throw me the ball.
Councillor, you talk a good game. I caught it, by the way.
Um, but I have figures that show that you plan to cut public spending.
Well, are you talking about the raw figures
or the figures adjusted for inflation?
Yes.
Well, the... The first or the second?
The... (STUTTERING) The first.
Well, in that case, that's wrong,
because if you look at the figures, the actual spend has remained
the same as last year's. See?
Uh. No, I understand it. I'm just, uh...
- Just checking it. - Well, it's there.
Yeah. That's fine.
Another area where we've seen
a great deal of public anger is in council housing.
- Mmm. Mmm. - Now, what is the proposal here?
- I meant the second. - I mean...
Sorry. I meant... I meant the second one.
Where the figures are adjusted for inflection.
Well, Alan, we've made no secret of the fact
that we're not going to keep pace with inflation.
- Inflation. - In fact, it's one of the few issues
that we have cross-party agreement on, so, um...
- Right. - We've made no secret of the fact
- that we're going to have to make... - Bus, bus, bus, bus fares.
- I'm sorry? - Bus fares.
Have you not put up bus fares?
As we said in our manifesto, we won't be putting up bus fares
- in any... - Have... Have you put up bus fares?
Not in real terms.
Have you put up bus fares?
In line with inflation, we have had to keep pace...
Yes or no? Have you put up bus fares?
In our manifesto...
Have you put
up bus
fares?
- Yes, but only inasmuch... - Yes but you yes but you yes
but yes, yes, yes.
- Yeah. - Thank you.
If you want to see that interview back online and see me
getting a politician to admit something slightly different
from what they said earlier, and then saying, "Look, you said
"something slightly different from what you said earlier."
- And I'm completely misquoted. - And so, 1-0.
It's 10 a.m.
It's just after 10 a.m.
You have been listening to Alan Partridge
with special guest Tory Bronwyn Matthews...
Tory Councillor Bronwyn Matthews.
Yeah. Her, and what's your name?
- Terri Cohen. - Terri Cohen.
Uh, get well soon, uh, to Eddie Shadow...
- Shepherd. - Who I'm sure will get well very soon.
Uh, that's rhetoric and not a prognosis.
Uh, right now, you're listening to Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.
See ya.
ALAN: Take a cup of personality,
pour in some chat, and drink up some good company...
I'm sorry, Councillor.
I.e. Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.
Good evening. Uh, morning, afternoon.
Who cares? Who gives a flying monkey?
Because today we're talking about things you don't see much of any more.
Already, we have, uh, capes, tinned meat, Horlicks, sparrows,
Hula Hoops. The crisps, not the toy.
Hula Hoops. The toy, not the crisps.
Uh, swimming pools with deep ends and asbestos. Um...
We'll be asking, "Should we bring some and/or all of them back?"
So do please text, Twitter, spam, fax, page, write and/or email.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
SIMON: Yes. Oh, okay.
SIMON: Here he is. DANIEL: Here we are.
ALAN: Oh, hello.
- Just planning a trip to Beccles. - Ah.
- SIMON: Uh, Daniel... - (EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)
- Oh, I'll do that. - Fuck it. Fuck it.
(LAUGHS)
- Hey. - Hello.
What an absolute privilege it is to have you...
So I think it's our first Internet billionaire,
millionaire, whatever you are,
in the studio, so... so absolutely delighted.
Well, no, ditto. My pleasure. Thrilled, really.
Can I also say, what a fantastic handshake?
That is actually one of the best handshakes... Yeah.
Firm, soft,
warm, dry.
Just real... real class and panache.
DANIEL: You're too kind. Yours isn't too bad yourself.
ALAN: Yeah. Well, I've got the... I've got the warmth
- and the firmness and the softness... - Mmm.
Just working on the dryness, that's all.
- Get that right. - Well...
Good.
(ALAN EXCLAIMS)
(DANIEL GRUNTS)
(CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFS)
Okay.
- Am I in your seat? Sorry. - No. God, no.
No, absolute no. No, no, no, no.
God, no, we don't care about the old, uh...
All that seat shit.
I sit there. Sometimes I sit over there, lean on there, you know.
Squat on the desk.
Good. Well, if you're sure.
Yeah. No, I can't stand these people who are like,
- "Oh, don't sit in my seat." - Mmm.
- No. - Good.
No, that'll be fine. That's fine. If I could just reach that there.
(EXHALES)
There. Right there.
Actually, do you mind? I think we're a bit too close,
- at least facially. - Yeah.
- Okay. Yeah. - Just...
No way!
Welcome back to Mid Morning Matters.
How would you like to hear an interview with someone far wealthier than you,
Billy No-cash? (LAUGHS)
Um, because joining me now is an Internet entrepreneur
who made his first million by the age of 19,
sold his first business to Microsoft at the age of 22.
He's on the board of no less than 12 companies.
And has most recently created a new business networking tool
dubbed "the Facebook of corporate finance".
Sorry for the silly voice there.
And today, he's come to share the secrets of his success,
Daniel Langford.
Wow. Thank you, Alan. That's, um...
What a thorough introduction.
Uh, you can pop that down there.
- Yeah. - Don't have to keep that near your gob.
Uh, bits, bytes, RAM, bugs, worms,
cookies, reboot, download,
clear cachet, do not filter results
and clear history.
We are all familiar with computer terminology.
Ah. Dongles.
Dong... Dong... Do you dongle, Daniel?
(ALL LAUGH)
Um, I... Occasionally I dongle and...
If his dressing gown falls open.
You dirty git.
I think... I think...
Most importantly, Alan, is that we don't get bogged down
with terminology.
- Yeah. - Yes?
Technology has to work for people.
Computers work for us. We don't work for them.
- Yes... - Yet.
- Yet. Ah, yet. No, that's... - (LAUGHS)
- Touch wood. - Absolutely. No.
If we don't... You've got to keep an eye on them, though, those ruddy things.
- Ruddy computer, you bitch! Sorry. - Oh, well...
Um... No, I mean, anyone who's seen I, Robot...
- Right. - With, um, what's his name?
- The big-eared black chap. - It's Will Smith.
- Will Smith. - Oh, I see.
- Asimov, who wrote the original... - Who wrote the book.
- Yes. - Yeah. I prefer the film.
- Really? - Not having read the book.
- Ah. - Um...
I know you're a people person.
- Mmm-hmm. - I could tell that straightaway.
- Do you know why? - Why?
I'll tell you why, Daniel. It's because you use people's Christian names.
You came in and you used mine. You used Simon's.
I never call him by his name.
I like to think that I see people for who they are, okay?
Not necessarily what's printed on their business card.
Oh, well, that's interesting you say that because that...
Because I actually...
What I've got embossed on my business card...
- Mmm. - Is everything I do.
- I leave nothing to chance. - Mmm-hmm.
Uh, "Business Consultant", "Internet."
- Just "Internet". - Right.
- Well, it's... - Uh, "After-dinner Speaker",
"Before-dinner Speaker", and then, some unusual descriptions.
You've got "Attitude Challenger".
- Okay. - And, uh, this one sounds
a bit more violent. "Convention Breaker"!
- T-chu! - Well, I hope not.
- I... I organise conventions. - Yeah.
And that's one of the things I do. In fact, I've got one
happening soon at Somerset House.
- Oh, right. - I hope you're not going to come along
and break that. You're not going to come
- and smash that down. - No, no. No, no, no.
Oh, no. When I realised that that was an ambiguous term,
I was really, really upset.
Genuinely upset. Because I am the last person
that would do anything to harm, uh, a business convention.
You know, the... Just the idea that I might, I don't know,
interfere with a, you know, an audio-visual presentation,
it makes me feel physically sick.
Alan, it's...
Well, I think what you're trying to convey, Alan,
is that you are someone who likes to think outside the box.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah...
It, it, it's that simple.
Uh-huh.
That's what I should've written on the bloody card.
- "Out-of-the-box Thinker." That's all. - (LAUGHS)
I should add it on.
- Uh, you can pop that down there. - Yup.
Daniel, to continue my out-of-the-box thinking,
um, let's spin a record.
This one's by Elton John, and it's called Daniel.
People call me a workaholic, Alan.
- It's not true. - Dicks.
Well, I mean, they're entitled to their opinion, but no, it's not true.
It's... To me, Alan, it's fun.
I wake up every morning and I'm, I'm excited.
- (SIMON LAUGHS) - Wow.
I get that from time to time. (CHUCKLES)
You dirty git.
How can someone like, let's say,
I don't know, me replicate your success?
Let me ask you this, Alan.
What do you think to date has been my biggest investment?
Noney, money.
No.
- Property? - No.
Do you own a quarry?
(LAUGHS) No.
- Gold? - People!
(GRUNTS) God! Give me another one.
- Because you see, people... - I thought it was a game.
- People are what really... - I know, people, people
make all the difference. Yes, yes, and I understand that.
The fact is, Alan, I like to surround myself
with talented people.
- As do, as do I. - Thank you.
Not you. I don't mean him. He doesn't do anything.
He's a disappointment. You should see him eat.
He looks like he's had a stroke.
- Okay. - What about weekends?
Tell us about these away days you do.
Yes, yes. I, um, organ...
I organise these weekends where we get, um,
a group of people together and we do an activity.
We... We have fun. And we talk. We inspire each other.
- All right. - It can be anything. It can be
grouse shooting, it could be sailing, archery.
- Wow. - This weekend, we're going
rock climbing up at Fort William.
- There's going to be about 20 of us. - Wow.
Um, if I come back with one good idea, mission accomplished,
- you know? - That's fantastic.
Last weekend, we actually... We went around Brands Hatch.
Oh! Oh!
Sorry, that was a bit... Oh! Sounds a bit sort of Chinese,
doesn't it? "Oh, Blands Hatch."
Sorry, that was a bit racist.
It's funny, isn't it? You do a Chinese voice,
it annoys some people. You do a black man's voice,
all hell breaks loose.
Explain that. You can't. They're both racist.
Well, I would love to come on one of your away days.
(LAUGHS) Yes.
No, we normally have, um, business leaders.
Well, I... I'm... I run businesses.
I mean, I actually pay... I'm in the top tax-paying brackets
- of all time. - Mmm.
Well, we often leave a space open, you know, for left-field thinkers.
- Sure. - We've had some great...
We've had, um, an RAF pilot.
- (WHISTLES) - We've had, uh,
Shami Chakrabarti from Liberty.
Never heard of her.
We've had a Paralympian, which was, uh, special.
- That's kind. - Mmm.
What about a radio DJ?
That's a very good idea. It's a very good idea.
- Anytime, anytime. - Yes. I should look into
Nicky Campbell, shouldn't I? He's got a very broad demographic.
Able to do both the heavy-hitting stuff and is able to do the quiz shows.
Yeah, or fails at both. You know, just depending on your point of view.
But, uh, I would be delighted to step in
to the gap of what, one week, on your away day.
- On your away days? - (LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
(ALAN LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
He's not serious.
No, I'm not... I'm not frigging serious.
I'm going... I've got one in the wetlands this weekend,
on a three-man hovercraft with the, uh,
head of the Norfolk Range Rover franchise and two PE teachers.
- Two? - At least.
Is that's four people on a three-person hovercraft.
Uh, read my business card.
"After-dinner Speaker."
"Rule-breaker." It's written on the back.
SIMON: Alan?
Hello. Sorry.
Um, bit of an odd one. Reception have just, um,
had a call from the... Alan?
- Yeah? - Yeah. Reception have just a call
from the tax office.
- Um... - What, the Inland Revenue?
Yeah. They say that they, uh...
They heard what you were saying about your income earlier
and it doesn't just quite tally with their records.
Just want you to give them a bell.
What, so I massaged the figures. Big deal. Send me to jail.
Well, just don't shoot the messenger. Just letting you know.
Haven't they got better things to do than harass a digital DJ?
- Well, who knows? - Oh, God, I'm really scared,
I've emptied myself in my unders.
Um, just to clear something up. Earlier, I suggested that
I was in the top tax band. Slight mistake there.
5% of my earnings are in the top tax band,
the remaining 95 are in the lower band.
Uh, to cut the story short, I basically earn about a quarter
of what I said earlier.
And now, the news, Gifford.
- (SIMON LAUGHING) - The news with...
With Chris Gifford.
GIFFORD: Thanks, Alan. And the main story...
- What are you laughing at? - Just...
(LAUGHING)
What's...
What's going?
Oh, all right. So the tax office didn't phone in.
(LAUGHING) What?
All right. Okay. Um, fair enough.
Uh, let's... Let's all have a laugh at Alan Partridge...
At the expense of Alan Partridge. Yeah, very good.
Whose idea was it? Yours, I suppose?
- (LAUGHS) - Yeah? Right, yeah.
- Shall I tell you what I think? - Go on.
I think you're a fucking dick, mate.
I'll tell you something else. Don't you ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do something like that again.
- Calm down. - I will make sure you will never,
never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never
work in Norfolk radio...
- North Norfolk. - Okay. North Norfolk radio...
You are this to me. You are this to me. This.
And I am that to you. Massive.
You are nothing.
And I...
Am Alan Partridge. You're listening to Mid Morning Matters
with Alan Partridge.
And Sidekick Simon. (LAUGHS)
We're cool, are we? We're all right?
Yeah, sure.
This is Clannad.